Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
