yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
