That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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