If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
