sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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