I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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