No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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