So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
