Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He shit in the fireplace
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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