hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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