Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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