my phone needs a breathalizer
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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