Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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