I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
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