A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
