Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
