I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
