I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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