if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
