my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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