the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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