Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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