I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
