I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
