the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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