Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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