did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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