I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
