my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
God, I missed his penis.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
