the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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