Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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