My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize