Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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