I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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