Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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