Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
i think i just lost a toe
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
