Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Randomize
