Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
