life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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