If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
