I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize