lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
