I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
