So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
