my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
