wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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