I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
