Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
