So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Randomize
