you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
