youre lurking in front of me
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize