All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
