Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
