I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
