I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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