Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
