I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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