you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
