I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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