I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
