Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
