i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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